Building Positive Relationships with Teens - Lessons Learned from 25 Years of Teaching: 1. And, not but

How do you get your teen to engage with the conversation, and avoid it all descending into slammed doors and the silent treatment? It’s not easy. And in many ways it’s easier for me as their teacher than it is for parents, as I have that extra degree of separation, and I acknowledge that. I don’t call myself an expert in teenage communication, but in the 25+ years that I’ve been working with teenagers, I’ve discovered a few tricks that I’ve used to make things run more smoothly. In this series I’ll share them with you in the hope they can make your conversations that little bit more harmonious.

Why ‘and’ works better than ‘but’

Have you ever been in a company training event where you’ve been stumped as to how the blatant charlatan in the suit has the gall to talk such utter codfish while trousering a substantial fee?

In 25 years of teaching I sat through plenty of nonsense, but I also saw a few gems. One of the best was 4 words. It was an aside during something else that has long since slipped my memory.

“Say ‘and’, not ‘but’.”

I adopted it immediately and shared it with every other teacher I met. It’s so simple and yet it defuses conflicts before they happen. I think the reason it works so well is It creates a more inclusive and collaborative tone, fosters open dialogue, and reduces defensiveness. Here's how:

Positive Framing

When you use "and" instead of "but," you frame statements in a more positive light. 

Instead of "I understand your point, but I disagree," 

Try: "I understand your point, and I have a different perspective to share".

This approach acknowledges the teen's viewpoint while introducing your own, creating a more constructive conversation.

Validation

"And" signals validation of the teen's thoughts or feelings, even if you don't fully agree with them. It shows that you are listening and considering their perspective, which builds trust, and acknowledges their feelings while expressing your own concerns.

Example:" I want you to have fun with your friends, and I have concerns about you staying out late " 

Avoid Confrontation

Using "and" instead of "but" can help avoid confrontational language that can put people on the defensive. "But" can sometimes come across as dismissive or contradictory, whereas "and" signals a continuation or addition to the conversation. 

Instead of: "I understand your frustration, but you need to follow the rules," 

"I understand your frustration, and we still need to follow the rules," maintains a more neutral tone.

Collaboration

"And" encourages collaboration and problem-solving. It suggests that you’re both on the same team, working together to address issues or find solutions. 

Example: "I see you're struggling with getting your homework done on time and it needs to be a bit more prompt" invites the teen to seek assistance without feeling criticised.

Greater Flexibility

Using "and" allows for greater flexibility in communication. It opens up the conversation to multiple perspectives and possibilities, rather than shutting down ideas or opinions. This flexibility can lead to more creative problem-solving and compromise. 

For example, saying, "I get that you need your independence, and I’m still going to worry about your safety," acknowledges the teen's autonomy while reminding them you’re thinking about their safety.

I hope you find this small change as useful for your communication as it has been for mine. I’d love to hear how you get on, so feel free to drop me a line. For more tips on communication, check out the next in the series: N.U.R.S.E.